I’ve been working on a list of quotes from the Bar, the serial story I participate in. I thought that perhaps I could do 13 quotes from the Bar as my next TT. While rummaging through the story, which has extensive threads, I began showing a few quotes to a couple of guys I talk to online. Both of them got the chuckles over the same quotes. Several of the funniest parts are where my main character Alexandria (Lex) discovers she is pregnant. Part of the reason for the humor is that her doctor has a dry sense of humor and a dead pan delivery.
Lex, and Dr. St. James Warfield, are both vampires, as is Lex’s husband Alaric aka Big Al. The very British St. James is private physician to several of the immortals who populate the Bar. In this scene, Lex shows up at St. James’ hotel suite for an exam because she hasn’t been feeling well. The other characters are Matt, who is James and Lex’s friend. Matt’s a pixie Prince and a Calvin Klein underwear model. The other character is MacKenzie, who is St. James’ American girlfriend and a green dragon.
Matt answered the door of St. James’ suite, and my eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have your own suite?” I asked him as I stepped inside.
He shut the door behind me and led the way to the main salon. “Nope. Not any more, I don’t,” he said in a very smirky voice.
I turned and looked at him. He seemed very cat who ate the canary, his expression smug. Then I saw a pile of luggage that could only be his. My eyes narrowed as I stared at him. “You checked out?’
Matt nodded and sat down on the sofa. “Yep. James and I both checked out of the Presidential suite. Then James and Mac checked in here,” he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table, a typical Matt habit.
I set my purse on an end table and sank onto the chair beside it. “Where are you going Matt?” I asked suspiciously. “You’re not leaving Paris are you? Cause if you are, I’ll drag your ass back. How are you supposed to make things work with Emmy if you leave?”
Matt grinned widely, his sea colored eyes dancing. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him so happy, and it made me very wary. “I’m not leaving Paris,” was his nonchalant response. “At least not unless Em leaves.”
My eyes widened. “Holy Mother!” I whispered, my hands flying up to my face. I stared at Matt, whose grin just kept getting bigger and smirkier. “You made up with Emmy?”
He nodded and started to laugh. It was a carefree happy sound that I hadn’t heard from him in a long time. “I’m moving into her place tonight,” he admitted.
I let out a little scream of joy and leapt up to run over to the sofa. I plopped down next to him and threw my arms around him. I was soooo happy for him!
“Better not let his new girlfriend see that.” St. James’ sardonic tones interrupted my howls of joy. “Besides, I thought you were sick. You don’t look sick to me, and I’m a doctor.”
I let go of Matt and looked up at James who stood in the doorway with Mackenzie. James was a lot more relaxed than I’d ever seen him, despite his usual sarcastic voice. “Yeah, well, you don’t look like your usual dark brooding self either,” I told him, then turned my gaze to Mackenzie. “Hi Mac. I haven’t seen you since New York. You look great. Did James buy you those rocks? They match your eyes perfectly.”
Mackenzie smiled. As she stepped into the room, her hand lightly caressed James’ arm in what was an obviously intimate gesture. “Thanks Lex. You look good too,” she said as she sat down on the chair I’d just vacated. “And yes, the necklace and earrings were a present from St. James.”
James walked over and picked up my hand, his fingers moving to check my pulse. I shot him a dirty look. “In the fifty plus years I’ve known you, you have never had a girlfriend,” I said in awed tones. James with a real love life was a shocker.
St. James smirked in a manner very reminiscent of his pal Matt. “Hadn’t met Mackenzie, now had I?” he replied smoothly. “Open your mouth for me love.”
I opened my mouth and he stuck a tongue depressor in it. I fought the urge to gag. Suddenly, Alaric’s thoughts invaded my head. You’re gagging over a tongue depressor when you’ve easily slurped down my whole…
Arggh! Out of my head Alaric! The doctor is examining me! I can’t be thinking of your dick right now.
I heard his chuckle and then he was gone. I stared wild eyed at St. James, who was standing there watching the emotions flash across my face while the tongue depressor was still stuck in my open mouth. “Tell Alaric that he needs to come down here. If he’s going to interrupt my examination, it’s better that he do so in person,” James said mockingly. I heard both Matt and Mackenzie stifling laughter.
I shook my head and pulled away from the nasty wood of the tongue depressor. “I told him to go away. I don’t need him pestering you with a thousand questions while you’re sticking things in me. It will make everything take longer,” I grimaced. “Besides, you two will end up in a discussion of football while I’m lying there with cold metal things in me.”
Matt hid his smile, but James laughed right in my face. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen James laugh out loud. Mackenzie had wrought miracles it seemed. “Speaking of cold metal things, let’s go into the bedroom. I think we’ll need a little privacy. Matt and Mac will be fine out here while I stick those cold metal things in you and take your blood and perform other doctorly functions,” James said, walking over to a small trash receptacle to dump the tongue depressor in it.
I got up and followed James, looking back over my shoulder at Matt. “You are so gonna tell me what happened last night or I will bite you. Then you’ll have to explain it to Emmy!” I flashed my fangs at him, but he smirked at me again. It seemed like nothing could put a damper on his good humor.
“If we fight over it, just gives us a reason to have make up sex,” he told me and Mackenzie chuckled.
James took me by the arm then, hurrying me along to his bedroom. He shut the door and looked at me sternly. “You seem fine today Lex. What the hell is going on?” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.
I sighed and sat down on a chair. James opened a typical doctor’s bag and took out a stethoscope. He listened to my heart while I told him about passing out. He checked the lump on the back of my head and told me to take an aspirin if I had a headache. He made me take off my jeans and t-shirt and lie on the bed. I told him about being nauseated and throwing up when I got upset. He told me to tell my husband not to be an asshole. He gently probed my abdomen with his cold fingers while I told him about my mood swings and panic attacks. He told me to take a vacation without in-laws. He stripped my underwear off me, leaving me naked, and then proceeded to feel my breasts while I told him about being hungry all the time. He told me I was too skinny and could use more meat on my bones.
Then came the gross part. I hated the speculum. I hated him probing around in me with what looked like a giant Q-tip. I told him about how I wanted to feed all the time and he pulled the speculum out, took the Q-tip over to what looked like a petrie dish and said over his shoulder that Alaric was a big man, he had plenty of blood to give. I sat up and frowned at his back.
“Can I put my clothes back on?” I grumbled. “It’s cold in here and even though you and half the world has seen me naked in Playboy, I’m not comfortable with it anymore. Not since I married Alaric.”
I heard James give a muffled snort. “Physiologically you’re different now than the last time I checked you. It’s part of the mating process. It’s almost like you and Alaric share a circulatory system now,” he murmured. He was clinking glasses and slides and other scientific looking things. He even had a microscope on the dresser.
“So what’s wrong with me?” I asked him bluntly. He turned around and came at me with a big needle. My eyes widened. He pulled a tourniquet out and snapped it around my arm. I yelped, and he plunged the needle into the vein that had popped out the instant the tourniquet was on. I watched him drawing my blood and my stomach turned.
James laughed. “Lex you’ve killed men before and you can’t handle me drawing your blood?”
I looked away from the procedure. “Killing is one thing. This is another. That’s MY blood in the tube, not someone else’s,” I explained with a grimace.
James capped the tube of blood and slapped a band aid on my arm. He motioned toward the bathroom and handed me a vampire pregnancy test tube. “Go on. I want to see the results myself,” he told me. “You can have your clothes back when you bring me the tube.”
I stomped into the luxurious bathroom, thinking James was sure paying a pretty penny for this suite. I inserted the stick just like I had all the others and waited. When the time was up I pulled it out and looked at the color. I gripped the bathroom counter with my free hand. The stick was dark purple, almost black. I began to shake. I practically ran into the bedroom, completely forgetting that I was naked.
“James!” I wailed and held the stick out to him with a shaking hand.
He took it in his gloved hand and smiled. “Just as I thought, you’re pregnant.”
I stumbled backward and landed on my ass on the side of the bed. I stared at St. James with wide eyes. “But… but… I’ve been testing! All the tests were negative!” I cried out, so shocked I couldn’t even think.
James did something with the stick then held my clothes out to me. Automatically, I began to dress. Once I was clothed James gestured to a chair and I sat down, my mind a complete blank. “You were using the sticks you got in the States weren’t you?” he asked and I nodded. “They were recalled Lex. You told me yourself that Ronnie called you about them. Why did you keep using them? Why didn’t you get new ones?”
“I… I… I just thought the odds of me having bad tubes was very small,” I stammered. “I mean he said not all the tubes were bad.”
James sighed and shook his head. “You had a bad batch love. That tube is telling me you’ve been pregnant for awhile,” he said solemnly.
Suddenly, all the blood felt like it drained from my body. “Oh Holy Mother,” I groaned, dropping my face into my hands. “How long have I been pregnant?”
James sighed again. “I don’t know.”
I dropped my hands and my head shot up, my eyes meeting his. “I have to know,” I said hoarsely, tears filling my eyes. What if this baby was Johann’s? It just was too awful to contemplate. “I have to know if this is my husband’s baby,” I moaned in misery.
St. James patted me on the shoulder. “Go on out with Matt and Mackenzie. I’ve got some tests to run love. Order some room service and eat. You could use a meal,” he advised. “I’ll be done shortly and hopefully then I can answer your questions better.”
He practically shoved me out the bedroom door and I stumbled into the salon and collapsed on the sofa next to Matt. His brows snapped together as he saw how miserable I looked. “What the fuck? What’s wrong Lex? Where’s James?” he asked, his concern evident in his voice.
I flopped back against the cushions of the sofa and covered my face with my hands. “Oh, Matt!” I wailed, beginning to cry. “I’ve fucked up everything!”
Matt sat up, his feet hitting the floor with a thud. “What’s wrong Lex? Tell me what the hell is wrong!” he exclaimed, pulling at my hands until he held them in his.
I looked at him with tears streaking down my face. “I’m pregnant,” I moaned, my whole body aching with the misery that was overwhelming me.
I saw Matt and Mackenzie exchange a puzzled look. “Well, I thought you wanted to be pregnant, Lex. What’s wrong?” he asked rubbing my wrists.
“I don’t know who the father is!” I sobbed and collapsed on Matt’s shoulder. He held me and stroked my back while I cried.
“James will figure it out,” he said soothingly. “It will all work out Lex. I know it will.”
I knew he was just trying to get me to stop crying. I willed the tears back and hiccuped a few times. Then Mackenzie was pressing a cool washcloth into my hands. I wiped my face and gave it back to her trying to muster up a grateful smile. I was afraid it looked more like a grimace though. I lay limply against the back of the sofa and stared at Matt. “What am I gonna do if this Johann’s baby? I mean, I can’t have it. That would be wrong,” I muttered. “And how the hell do I tell Alaric I need an abortion? What do I say to his parents? Already his mother doesn’t l-like me,” I stammered painfully.
Matt sighed and put his arm around my shoulders. “You’re putting the cart before the horse love. Let’s just wait to hear what James has to say. He’s an excellent physician. You know this. Now, what did he tell you when he sent you out here?” he probed.
I sniffed and blinked up at Matt’s sea colored eyes. “To order room service cuz I needed a meal,” I muttered reluctantly.
Mackenzie chuckled. “I’ll get the menu,” she said and disappeared.
Once we were alone, Matt hugged me. “Really. It will be okay, Lexie. I have a good feeling about this,” he whispered in my ear as he kissed my temple.
I sighed. Matt was right. It WAS too early to get into a panic. I forced myself to calm down, keep Alaric blocked out of my head, and to eat the bowl of soup Matt ordered for me. It helped that the soup was a lusciously rich and creamy lobster bisque. By the time I’d eaten half the soup and a handful of crackers, James reappeared. My stomach knotted and I pushed the tray away standing up. I tilted my chin at James and said bluntly, “Tell me. I can’t wait. I need to know now.”
James grunted and looked at the sheet of paper he held in his hand. “Based on the number of days gestation I’ve calculated here…” He looked up again and his eyes met mine. “…it’s your husband’s.” I gasped and felt myself begin to shake again. Then James cleared his throat. “But there’s a problem Lex. This baby isn’t what you think.”
My eyes widened and fear raced through me. Was this why I’d been so sick? My baby wasn’t well? I tried to think what could be wrong and I just wanted to yell at James ‘What’s wrong with our baby?’, but I held back. James sighed heavily and ran his hand through his curls. He looked like he didn’t want to tell me. “Tell me!” I demanded in a shaky voice. “What’s wrong with my baby?”
James looked at me with sorrowful eyes and fear took my breath away. “He has no soul.”
I blinked. My son had no soul? Suddenly, I felt lightheaded from relief that there was nothing wrong with the health of my child and that there was no question that his father was Alaric. I swayed and heard James yell, “Damn it! Grab her! She’s going down!” Then everything went black.
I came to on the sofa in St. James’ suite. Mackenzie was wiping my face with a cool cloth. “I didn’t puke up that lovely bisque, did I?” I asked groggily.
She smiled at me, her green eyes full of humor. “No. You didn’t toss your cookies. Or bisque in this case,” she chuckled gently.
“Did I faint?” I asked her. She nodded. “I didn’t fall and hit my head again, did I?” I reached up and felt the back of my head. No new lumps.
“No, I caught you,” she admitted with a wry smile.
I blinked in astonishment. “You caught me? Matt was right there,” I protested.
Mackenzie shrugged. “I have faster reflexes I guess. And I’m stronger than I look. I am a dragon after all.” She looked up then and I saw her eyes flash with intense emotion. She moved off the sofa and James took her place.
“So, little mother,” he said in a self satisfied manner. “Feeling more the thing now, are we?”
“What’s with the royal we?” I grumbled, struggling to sit up. James helped me sit up, and when my feet made it to the floor, he took my hand in his.
“I’ve got vitamins for you Lex. You’re anemic which is a common thing for a vampire first pregnancy,” he told me, in what I assumed was his best bedside manner. “It’s the reason you’re dizzy and fainting. It’s also the reason for the nausea and retching. Being hungry constantly is a symptom of pregnancy. Your child is feeding off you 24/7 therefore you are hungry 24/7. The mood swings are a combination of things. One, your hormones are a little out of whack. Two, your husband is an asshole who upsets you all the time.”
I heard a muffled chuckle and turned my head to see Matt coming back into the room with a glass of what looked like seltzer. He handed it to me with some pills. James nudged me to take them. I swallowed the pills with the seltzer water and grimaced. Matt sat down on the other side of me, grinning happily. Someone was excited that I was pregnant.
“Now, according to the tests I’ve run, this is the day you became pregnant,” James said, holding out the sheet of paper to me. I stared at the date and realized it was the day Alaric and I had been mated.
“I don’t understand. That’s the day we mated,” I said with a frown. “How could my son have no soul?”
James quirked a brow at me. “Don’t tell me the only time you had sex that day was the mating itself and afterward,” he snorted in disbelief. “Alaric Kohl couldn’t wait and this child is the proof of that.”
I remembered then that we’d had sex twice before our mating and my face flushed. The tub. Holy Mother! Our son had been conceived in a bathtub in New York City. How appropriate. I’d been in that tub the first time we’d seen each other naked. It had been the scene of several confessions including the fact that neither of us had ever been bitten. “I can’t believe this,” I whispered, overcome with emotion. “I’m pregnant.”
James, Matt and Mackenzie all laughed and I grinned at them, a blinding bolt of happiness shooting through me. I threw my arms around James. “Thank you James! You’re the best doctor a girl with fangs could ever have!”
Ah, Lex. She and her asshole husband are such fun to write. Well, almost as much fun as my bisexual werewolf Weylyn. Heh heh. Hope you enjoyed that taste of the Bar this Tuesday. Look for my amusing Bar quotes on Thursday.
1. My daughter and I were born at the same time… sorta. My birth certificate says 12:41 am. Hers reads 12:41 pm.
