What Andrei Wrought

Author: Winter  /  Category: Uncategorized

I started my short story about the woman who falls in love with a model because of his blog. The names may change later and it has no title, but I thought I’d post the first few rough paragraphs. Hopefully, this won’t end the way all my stuff ends…sitting in limbo unfinished because I’m tired of it. LOL Feel free to rip me to shreds all you writers and readers of fiction. If I can make this better through your nagging efforts, I will. So here’s what Andrei Andrei’s blog sparked in me:

The faces all started to look the same after awhile. All of them were beautiful, but none of them were a stand out. McKenna clicked on the ‘next page’ arrow and watched the next set of beautiful faces load on her monitor. She needed a muse in order to begin work on her book. She glanced at her outline again. Andre, the hero of her story, was dark haired, with dark eyes and sculptured cheekbones. McKenna needed a real face to inspire her, so she was clicking through pages of handsome men at an international modeling agency’s website. Thus far, none of the men had eyes that drew her. The eyes had to be just right. She wanted to look in them and imagine them filled with desire. The face itself wasn’t all that important. Round, angular, square jawed…

Whatever, McKenna thought with a sigh as she clicked to the next page. Some of the men on the page weren’t that attractive to her. None had eyes that drew her. She got to the last page without seeing a single man who was right for her character. She eyed the set of links on the home page of the agency and, with a sense of resignation, she clicked to the next agency’s website.

The first few pages of photos were exactly like the countless pages she’d already viewed. The men were handsome, beautiful really, but their smiles were posed and never reached their eyes. The eyes themselves were flat and uninspiring.

Where was the passion, the fire? she thought with a frown. The men were all of Italian heritage, yet not one looked like he had it in him to rip a woman’s clothes off.

Disappointment began to set in, and McKenna clicked through the pages more quickly, barely glancing at the models now. She decided they must all be gay. They had to be. They were so cookie cutter with their beautiful faces and cool demeanor. Thoughts of a grilled cheese sandwich were becoming more intriguing than all the models put together, when a picture in the center of her monitor caught her wandering attention.

The photo didn’t seem as posed as the others. The man in the photo was dressed in a leather jacket and a rolled neck sweater. He was swinging a fine leather suitcase out of the trunk of a shining Mercedes Benz. His face was angular, high cheekbones, defined jaw, stubble on the chin hiding a dimple. He was not much different than the hundreds of men she’d seen already, except for his eyes.

They were crinkled a little at the corners, as if he was looking into the sun, and the smile on his lips found an echo in those dark depths. As McKenna looked more closely at the photo, she could swear she saw little flames in those eyes. Even better than that, the expression in the brown irises made her melt like ice in the sun. Passion radiated from his eyes and face, the desire almost tangible.

McKenna’s breath caught in her throat. Those eyes speared her and turned her into mush. She instantly wished she was the woman he was looking at. Her bottom lip snagged between her teeth as she looked at the name beneath the photo. Raphael Antonelli. Very Italian. Her breath came rushing out as she realized his name was a link. He had a website.

Feeling as if she was standing on the edge of a cliff, McKenna clicked the link. Techno music spilled from her speakers as photo after photo of Raphael Antonelli filled her computer screen. With each photo that flashed by, she became more convinced that she’d found her Muse. When she clicked on the button labeled ‘Contact’, she found an email form and yet another link. Raphael Antonelli had a blog.

5 Responses to “What Andrei Wrought”

  1. Kaige Says:

    I liked your opening with the writer sitting and looking at the images and coming across as bored, restless, and unfulfilled. The spark of awakening as his photo drew her in was nice.

    I don’t know if you have an overall theme in mind, but fulfillment and passion seem to be highlighted here.

    The POV works for me and seemed fairly consistent. I saw some issues with passive voice and you may want to stretch for some stronger verbs and more descriptive nouns. For example, your opening might work better by combining the first two sentences:

    “Their beautiful faces blurred together, no single man standing out.” Make the reader want to go to the next sentence to find out more. WHICH men? WHY is she surrounded by all these beautiful men, but none of them are doing it for her? WHERE is she?

    Overall, I thought, the tone shifted nicely from mind-numbingly bored at the beginning to awakening to anticipation at the end.

    So far, we’ve really only met the heroine, but she strikes me as believable, but a little underdeveloped still. We get her impressions and hopes for the model, but we can only hope he’s even better in person. I would like to know more of why this woman feels this way and what she’s really working toward and why she’s not making any progress toward it.

    The opening is clear and leaves no chance for confusion and her internal thoughts would be clear without the tags.

    I did feel that with the amount of repeated words (i.e. beautiful, page, click, faces, eyes, photo), the effect you were going for was weakened. Likewise, take a look at your sentence structure: do you start with Name or She a lot? Do the majority of your sentences run the same length (12-18 words, mostly 16)?

    Unsurprisingly, the most vivid part was where she was describing the photo of the hero. =) I’d like to see a bit more into the heroine’s character along the way. What you have is just the very tip of the iceberg sketched in (if I may mix some metaphors). I also didn’t have a good sense of where she was during this scene. I get that she’s sitting at a computer, but not where. What kind of setting would reveal the most about her? Home office, Coffee shop/bookstore with laptop, library? What do her surroundings reveal about her character: is she neat/messy? organized/spontaneous?

    I don’t think the questions I had when I finished were the right ones. I was thinking more along the lines of “Ok, so what’s the conflict, what does she need to fix in her life to make this work?” Not story questions of how those things would be resolved, but I felt thrown completely out of the story.

    Winter, are you a pantser or a plotter? It sounds like you work as a pantser, but I could be wrong. All of my failed/abandoned attempts started out that way. I had much better success when I had a roadmap for my NaNoWriMo project this fall. I tried not to tell the story in my notes, but set up definite markers I wanted to hit along the way.

    If you’d like more detailed comments, let me know.

    Oh… and Andrei looks _quite_ Versatile. Hehe. Very nice eyes.

  2. Winter Says:

    Thanks for the help Kaige! I’ve gone back over that first draft and hopefully, it’s stronger now. I’ll drop it into a comment if you’d like to see version #2.

    This short story is more of a pantser effort. The idea came from visiting Andrei Andrei’s blog. (See my first blog post.) I know what the main points of the story are but the path between the points isn’t fleshed out.

    I have other WIP that have been plotted to death. I’m not sure what the happy medium is for me yet. Thus far, the only seem I thing to be able to complete successfully is the story that never ends at the Bar! LOL Maybe that is my true milieu, the net and not print. I am rather happy with my work at the Bar.

    As for McKenna, I think she deserves her HEA so I’ll be putting in some time each week with her until the moment Rafe knocks on her door. When that happens I prolly won’t be able to stop until it’s done.

    Thanks again!

  3. Kaige Says:

    Cool, it seems much more grounded now. Glad I helped, I was getting worried I’d said too much or something. I’m still learning on the critique front too.

    I can definitely see why you were inspired. =) I nearly freaked out when I read “As for McKenna, I think she deserves her HEA so I’ll be putting in some time each week with her until the moment Rafe knocks on her door.”

    WHAT?!? You’re gonna leave it there?! NO WAY! And the next sentence gave me all the reassurance I needed. Phew. This will be a fun read when done.

    Have you ever visited Susan Helene Gottfried’s West of Mars page? She does a serialized thing about a fictional band. It’s a trip. I’ve had trouble figuring out if there’s an actual book behind the characaters. I think there might be.

    Hope your weekend was great!

  4. Winter Says:

    I’ll have to check out that serialized story. I know that there is a serialized story (Drake: The Lusty Pirate) by Erin McCarthy and Kathy Love at their vampire band website http://vampireband.com/.

    The serialized story I participate in is at http://www.winterheart.com/thebar. The story itself is on a closed forum due to adult content. Heh. Very HOT adult content. There’s also a teen version on that site that my daughter started recently.

    I appreciate the critique. It’s a great help. I HAD to write McKenna’s story after the ideas started popping up in my head. If you’ve read my first post here you know how all this happened. Andrei Andrei drew me because of his resemblance to my ex. But then I started making comments. That led me to wonder what would happen if… and McKenna’s story was born.

    I’m going to try to work on McKenna weekly and post it here. It’s a tall order tho because I have so much going on!

  5. Kaige Says:

    *nod* Looking forward to see it unfold.

    Drake sounds like an interesting fellow.

    Another on-going serial I know of is Alice Audrey’s Suzie’s House.

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